My dear friend, LTC Dave Cabrera was killed by a suicide bomber in Kabul, Afghanistan on October 24th. Dave and I have been friends for years. I was just at his promotion party in August (the weekend I got pregnant). He is the first Army Social Work officer killed in action (ever). Also killed was his mental health tech, SGT Christopher Newman and the therapy dog.

Here is Dave with his wife, August and his sons, Roanin and Max. I just can’t believe he’s gone. I had a really hard time with this and didn’t feel like talking or writing for a really long time. After the death in my depression, I actually heard Dave talk to me, obviously an admission to have me institutionalized. But he said he is doing  ok and that I can let go of my sadness. I hope it is true. I will never go to another conference without thinking of him. He would also write funny notes on my paper and I never knew what was going on because I was too busy “talking to Dave.”

Here is the retrospective I wrote for our annual newsletter:

For those who knew him, Dave Cabrera never did anything halfway. He embraced life with a zest of living, a sense of fun and reverence. He had a wicked sense of humor, a large smile and a huge heart. If you were his friend, he loved you unconditionally. He was blunt in his opinions and sincere in his expressions.  He was happiest when he was working with soldiers and died doing something that he volunteered for and for a cause he believed in. LTC Cabrera pushed boundaries every day with the hopes that it would help the people he had chosen to serve.

LTC Cabrera was born in Florida but grew up in Houston, where he graduated from Sam Houston High School. He earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University, an MSW from University of Texas Arlington and joined the U.S. Army as a Medical Service Corps officer in Jan. 1996. He obtained his PhD from Catholic University.

LTC Cabrera was the Director of Social Work at the Uniformed Service University. As an assistant professor in the university’s Department of Family Medicine, he saw patients, taught military medical students, conducted research on post-traumatic stress disorder and post-traumatic growth.

He is survived by his wife, August and four children; Corbin, Gillian, Max and Roanin.

Godspeed, Dave. I will miss you.

 I also lost my cousin (cancer) , his wife (MS) in 3 weeks. They left an 19-year-old and a 16-year-old. So shocking but not unexpected. Just shocking and sad in the timing, so close together.

On happier news; Rock and Roll continue to amuse us with their walking and talking. Common words are “dog, cat, mama, daddy, light, car, go, camel (?), more, bye, please, thank you” and a bunch more. I have my consult on my embryo adoption today so I’ll let you know how it goes. There a times when the boys are running around that I think adding another child is insane and other times when it seems doable. We’ll see.

Oh and I pin on Lieutenant Colonel 1 Jan 2012

We had a lot of discussion with the DR and all are in agreement that this was probably an egg quality issue. We plan to go ahead and use NMCRM for adopted embryos. Once I get back from vacation to MO2′s family next week, I’ll move ahead with that although I am thinking that I don’t want to have another baby until the boys are 2.

It gives me time to lose weight and get my back pain worked on. I had to cancel my last steroid injection because of the pregnancy (which I have to say was really uncomfortable because I couldn’t take meds) so I’m on board for my next back procedure on 2 November. I am hopefully moving toward the implanted pain pump which will hopefully get me retired as a lieutenant colonel from the military, one can hope. In the meantime, we’ll use the time to pay off bills.

My imaginary conversation would be like “42-year-old, pregnant with own eggs, infertility survivor. Pull out dildo cam with a quickness now!” But who knows how long I will have to wait…

My beta today was 3914 so I guess we are doing well, I need to calm down and breathe.

My period was five days late when I took this test. I’ve only been late twice in my life; once in college and once in grad school-during exams. I thought the lateness was early menopause? But my boobs hurt. I started screaming when the lines came up on the test and they did immediately. MO2 thought something was wrong and came flying up the stairs, and when I handed him the test, he just started laughing.

What a shock. My first beta was 434.5, the second one in exactly 48 hours was 710.5 (not exactly doubling but still within the 48-72 hour mark and went up 60%.

Now remember, these are my eggs, my 42-year-old eggs. This may mean that this is not a viable pregnancy and there is no way of knowing. We’ll just have to wait and see.

But folks, miracles do happen and if the only miracle I get is a natural BFP with my old unexplained infertility self, I’ll take just that moment. In it, I finally felt normal.

I always wonder what happens to the family. But life moves on and so do we. For a while, I’ve been considering how to say good-bye. We are all doing well. It is hard to believe but Rock and Roll are one now and thriving. We are talking (just a few words here and there) and cruising with a quickness (there is a big fondness for all things electronic, especially the television clicker). They are bright, funny, inquisitive, handsome. All I’ve ever dreamed of and more. Our life is full and rich with a sweetness I’ve never experienced before.

If you come upon this blog looking for experiences with donor eggs, I would say do it, you will be rewarded many times over. In fact, I’d do it again if I had a spare 30k and/or happen to win the lottery.

I am so happy with this decision and our wonderful boys. I am going to disappear into the blogosphere although you can always contact me through this blog if you have questions or comments. I’ll leave it up because it may help someone else.

For now, we say goodbye or in the military, further down the road.

It only took 4 months. I re-did the legs 4+ times but I’m happy with it! MO2 did not help at all. It’s not perfect but it is for me

I am eagerly awaiting the results of my lieutenant colonel board due out at midnight. I have had some intel that my name is on the list, but I want to know what my number is.

Here is how promotions work in my service. Your name comes out on the list with a number. Every month, our Service announces which numbers are up for promotion that month. So hypothetically, let’s say my number is 43. The first month (May) they may promote people 1-16. Then those people have their promotions ceremonies (usually around the first of the month for maximum pay). Then in June they may promote numbers 17-25, etc… so you get the idea. The point is that you never know what month you will actually be allowed to pin on your rank (and get the pay) until the list comes out. When I was promoted to Major in 2005, I think the list of names came out in April but I didn’t pin the rank on (or receive the pay) until September. I seem to recall my number for Major was something like 65 out of 240. I have no idea what it will be tomorrow.

We shall see…

After two days of walking around in their stroller, my guys have itchy eyes, coughing and general stuffiness. Enter MO2′s colleague and her lovely idea about zyrtec. Thanks to Kelly and meds, they are much better. While on leave, the subject came up on sleep. My guys who used to sleep through the night hadn’t been doing so since we moved. Our nights, as of late, have included Rock sleeping by the side of our bed in his car seat (he’s obsessed with it) and Roll sleeping in our bed (horror of horrors). They’ve been put down for a long as we can remember, in their car seats or bouncers and then we carry them upstairs. Problem is that this is dependent on their schedule, not ours. Rock who is especially hard to put down, needed to be rocked in his car seat, vigorously, until he went to sleep. (Now keep in mind that they go to bed between 7-8pm, it is really not bad but we lost the hour or so rocking the rock, so to speak.)

Enter MO2′s cry it out technique. This week the boys have been going to bed. in their.cribs.

The first night, Rock screamed for 1.5 hours, Roll for 45 minutes
The second night, Rock screamed for 45 min, Roll for 30 min (but they slept through)
The third night, both were down after 15 minutes of screaming (slept through again). Hooray! (though I dare write this because it might jinx it).

We go in every minutes and reassure and pat bottoms so it is not like we let them scream alone, but we shut their bedroom door. It is a fantastic feeling when it works, even if you have to wear ear plugs leading up to it.