A big shout out to my friend Susan who had a BFP yesterday with a mega beta of 1099!!! (As my nurse said, there’s a party going on in there!-meaning probably a twin pregnancy-or more).
One of things that makes Susan so extraordinary to me is her unshakable faith that her first donor egg cycle would work. I have to admit, I don’t have the same faith.
It is not as though I’m not religious, I am quietly so. I prayed for Susan actively during her entire cycle and had a firm gut feeling that the cycle would have a positive result. I can’t say the same for me, in the sense that I am worried about how I will do. I attribute some of this to life lessons and occupational hazards. In the military you learn that bad things DO happen to good people, in fact we see it all the time. I learned that faith is no protective shroud to ward off bad things, it just might make taking the bad things a bit easier and provides a loving cushion in which to wrap yourself in when life kicks you in the teeth.
I lost my belief in a perfect world a long time ago. I can’t pinpoint the time but maybe the memories. I remember years ago in Haiti, stopping along the road in Port Au Prince and seeing a road filled with human bones (Operation Uphold Democracy 1994) , the excavation of mass graves in Screbrenica, Bosnia (Operation Joint Forge, 1997) or when in first days of of Operation Iraqi Freedom, 2003, when I comforted a child whose whole family had been destroyed after running a blockade when our soldiers opened fire on their car. (Only in the military do you hold a child while wearing a weapon).
And so , in an unfair world where atrocities occur every day, I ask God to hear my small prayer and grant me one wish which seems to be a raindrop in a an ocean. I ask for courage to carry me through and faith to cushion my blows. I miss the naivete I used to have but appreciate the understanding I’ve been granted that with seeing, even in the worse possible situation that courage and faith carry you through at the end of the day. God bless Susan for her unfailing optimism and God bless all those who see the fire and walk through it on a daily basis.
In other news, it looks like my transfer will be around August 14th (with a few days on either side) and I stop my BCPs on July 18th.