Rain on My Parade

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SG is concerned about the benchwarmer and frankly I am concerned, too.

The benchwarmer should be further along than it is. We have been basically told that if the benchwarmer doesn’t have a fetal pole and heart beat by next week, it is non-viable. There is the slight possibility that the benchwarmer is just a late implanter.

To be honest, I’m not surprised by SG’s attitude. I’ve been worried all along that there is something seriously wrong with the benchwarmer. Part of me is sad and part is relieved. I am also angry. One of the problems with knowing there might be something wrong with your baby is that you are afraid to connect to it. I haven’t been able to move on in my emotional life and have been living in a place of uncertainty for the last 4 weeks. Buying a pregnancy cook book and new bras are the closest I’ve allowed myself to come to being pregnant.  I wish I could post with abandon on new Mom message boards but I haven’t been able to look at them. I don’t feel like I belong on my donor egg message board either. When you are trying to get pregnant or have a BFN you are recovering from, no one wants to hear about your slow increasing betas. At least, I am not like a forinfertile (former infertile) I know who posts vomiting updates on FaceBook. Note: Please don’t be that person! No matter how successful your pregnancy is.

The other problem when you know there is an issue is that you lose naivete. Betas and ultrasounds become terribly scary things that you dread. I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep before Weds ultrasound.  Nishkanu on Hard Knocked Up writes about it eloquently after several pregnancy losses, she can’t even bring herself to get excited about buying baby furniture for her presently healthy pregnancy.

I am thankful for my friends who have had pregnancy losses who have shared what to expect. I am thankful for those of you who put kind comments on my board. MO2 feels that I am too pessimistic as does my RE here.

My biggest worry is that MO2’s older sister has a 25-year-old with a rare chromosomal addition that has left him like an 8 month old. MO2’s had genetic testing which has come back normal. DSS is normal but what if the benchwarmer has the same condition. What are the odds? Neither MO2 and I want our child to have that quality of life. We are considering using 1/2 donor sperm on our next cycle.

If we have to start over there are some good things. Maybe we’ll have eggs that make it to freeze or even twins. My back will have more of a chance to heal. I will go back to work and not be so exhausted (I can barely get anything done now). We shall see what the next week brings.

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3 responses »

  1. i’ve been to this parade and I agree – it is dreadfuly difficult. Nothing is certain and nothing is joyous. whatever happens, my thought are with you.
    EB

  2. Sending you hope for some resolution for you . Limbo sounds like a painful lonely place. I wish you could have a boring pregnancy full ofcthe naivety that you feel you have lost. (((hugs)))

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