Words That Strike Fear in My Heart


Cycle buddy.

That phrase is enough to set me into a panic.  I’m probably the only woman in the free world to feel that way. Everywhere I turn in the IF community, someone is asking me when I am testing or if I am looking for a cycle buddy. If there is anything that this miscarriage and years of BFNs have taught me is to be guarded about my experiences. There is nothing worse than to tell someone when your beta is, only to have a BFN or to tell them you are having a miscarriage.

I have no problem being happy for people if they are pregnant but I’m not looking for sympathy if I fail. I don’t have the emotional reserve right now to want to share any of my feelings with people except MO2 and anonymously (e.g this blog). I don’t want to have to emotionally support another person until I am ready to and that is what is implied in a cycle buddy. I don’t have the emotional distance to be supportive and I don’t want people to constantly check in on me.  I am a private person and sadly, this experience, has made me more so.

On one support board I frequent, they made a little chart. They wanted to know what month everyone’s donor was stimming, what the result of the retrieval, the beta date and results. Are you freaking kidding me? I just ignore the chart. Do people not realize how stressful this can be? Am I the only one who feels that way? Surely not.

Enough with the rant. I took the drugs for the miscarriage Friday night. I think next time, I’d rather the D & C. It was pretty miserable for the first 4 hours (thank god for the percocet). I’m not a big blood person, so I didn’t spend a whole lot of time looking at the results. I’ve been spotting since then and sadly, my HCG is dropping very slowly. Once it is down to zero, I can pick another donor, I think at the present rate, that should take a few weeks.

I am happy to be back at work with plenty to do. There are many distractions and much work to be done. I’m making some progress on my walking but not as much as I would like. It has been difficult to get used to my office chair and that muscle soreness has slowed me down some but I’m slowly getting there.


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