I haven’t been doing well lately (warning: bitterness and resenting mentioned.This is not happy post written from a happy place).
Not at all.
I haven’t been irritable like this since I came home from Iraq the second time. At that point, I was taking 40 to 60mg of prozac and benadryl to sleep. That lasted for about a month until I weaned down to nothing. Of course, my mood improved dramatically when we left Kuwait. I’m really, really angry right now, so much that I’m not sure that I should be around other people. I’m not sure how to stop it because I’m afraid to take medication for fear of messing up my next cycle. I find myself withdrawing because I don’t want to lash out.
Here’s what is going on:
1) I really, really hate my job. I work at a major military medical center. It is not a bad place to work but it is a TERRIBLE place to be an administrator. Our biggest issue is space. When I got here, we were short 9 clinical social workers. With a lot of work on my behalf, we have completely filled all the vacancies. I’ve hired for a new mandated initiative. I have two social work students (Army officers) and wrote an initiative for five Public Health Officers. Most of my day is spent figuring out how to make the program run. Every worker shares an office. My boss gave up his office because we could put two workers in there. The workers use interview rooms to see patients. Most days, it is an interview room scramble. I have 3 outlying clinics. Those rooms are full as well. The problem is that the union at Ft. Living Room is very aggressive and if I want to move a union employee, it is a battle. This means my military officers, public health officers and contractors get the short end of the stick because I can move them without notice and there is no space requirement. Next year, they want me to take on 5 more students and another supervisor. I have no place to put them unless we go to 24 hour operations. Did I mention that I don’t have a window nor have I had a window in my office for the last 10 years? When you are the officer, you get the sucky places because there is an attitude that soldiers will work where you tell them to and do what you tell them to. I’m screwed.
For the last year, I have been trying to get a 24/7 SW program established in the Emergency Department (ED). Everyone likes this idea but it will cost roughly about $800,000.00 to do that the hospital will have to swallow. After submitting multiple proposals and having them rejected for one reason or another (primarily because we have to wait until the beginning of the fiscal year for $), I was told to write one more proposal which would go to an executive committee for voting (although we know it will pass because of the hospital commander’s intent to fund the program). My HR person and I busted our butts to get it done (they wanted supporting researching and cost allocations) and now it is sitting on the Deputy Chief of Clinical Service’s desk with no action for over the last month. We just want some feedback. Does it suck? It is great? Do we have to do it over? It is hard to tell because he won’t respond to phone or email inquiries about it. ARGH!!!
I have a very bad, disruptive officer who we have been lumped with. My boss and I have been trying to get rid of her for over a year. Every attempt we make has been shot down and we are still stuck with her. She’s been passed over twice for Lieutenant Colonel. In the old days, if you were passed over, you were automatically kicked out of the military. Now you aren’t if you have more than 15 years of service. This person is a human leech who has never deployed EVER (which is shocking). I have been in less time and I’ve done two tours in Haiti, one in Bosnia and two in Iraq! We tried to get her de-credentialed and unfortunately, her hearing (which took 9 hours and they caught her lying under oath) was before the shooting spree @ Ft. Hood. (Maybe if had occurred now they would have taken us more seriously). The attitude is “you deal with her because we don’t want to.” The only revenge we will get is that she will probably get a horrible evaluation which keep her from promotion a third time which she will contest only to find yet another strung out battle.
I’m on the last assignment for my lieutenant colonel’s course and they want a 60 slide brief. Are they F^*king kidding? It took me one week alone just to figure out the assignment (the directions were awful) and at least 2 solid weeks of work (in addition to doing my job) to get it done. I’m still slogging through it. At least when it is done, it is done. The course was a year and a half of misery (tests and written assignments). I have to complete it to get promoted. It is not optional. It is what as we in the military call a “gut check.”
2. My iPhone was lost/stolen Saturday night and cost me $400.00 to replace. Is it my fault for losing an expensive phone? Yes. I can do all my work on the iPhone so it makes it worth it to me. I hated eating the money but I have a better case and a new hands free.
3. My brother’s wife is pregnant (very, very early, only 1 + beta). I’m not happy about that and mainly because I’m not happy for anything. I appreciate that they had a medically challenging cycle and needed an IUI with injectables to get pregnant but it only took one cycle. My brother knows better than to complain about the costs of meds his insurance didn’t cover! I’m glad I am not going to see them for Thanksgiving, I am now dreading Christmas. I’m sure they will be sensitive as will my Mom but I still dread it and I was so looking forward to going home. I hate being bitter and resentful. I am up to my eyeballs in anger. I have no empathy and compassion left and it frightens me. I can’t be excited or happy for anyone or anything. I’ve stopped hanging out on support boards because I am not a whiner and I don’t want to burden anyone. I’ve no tolerance for anyone else’s whining either. I’ve had no joy for others. I couldn’t even go to church yesterday because I was so mad. I’m a pretty good faker, too so you wouldn’t necessarily know I’m upset. I threw a shoe at the tv when Mrs. Duggar said she was hoping to have twins this pregnancy (don’t be greedy with the 18 kids you already have). Don’t even talk to me about secondary infertility, how your kids drive you crazy and please don’t whine about your pregnancy symptoms or that you might have a c-section instead of a vaginal birth).
I feel like a character in a classic tragedy who can’t move forward. Any idea how to get unstuck? Right now all I want to do is run and hide. I probably shouldn’t post this.