Tag Archives: infertility

Only One Part of Me is Infertile!

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So much of IF takes over your life and it is very easy to let IF become you. I’ve started a “Things I Love” links list on the right to remind me of that. I have struggled with whether to include the rest of my life on this blog. I think it is important for people to know more about me than my infertility.

If you look at the links you will see that despite the fact that I am military officer, I am still a dyed in the wool hippie who recycles, composts, and dreams of a simpler life complete with less things. In fact, it is our goal to continue to downsize our home with every military move, instead of up sizing (despite how many kids we have). We will probably never go below 800 sq ft. I think this perspective  is born of years of living in very primitive places (sponsored by Uncle Sam) quite happily. I don’t like moving but the frequent moves allow me to continuously clear out my stuff.

I love to create things (besides baby dreams). I sew (simple clothing and home decorating), I knit constantly (working my way through lace socks, I garden (I have many, many veggies in), I love to cook &  eat (see WeightWatchers link) and lately my fascination is with building cardboard furniture . I dream of owning some land, some chicken and living in a straw bale house with enough room for MO2 and the progeny.

So now you know more about me. I have to limit myself to one hour of IF per day because otherwise it is all consuming.

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How We Got Here

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You may wonder how we began our trek through the land of IF. Truly this could be an epic post or it could be short and sweet; BLUF, lots of trying, no kids.

Why We Are Infertile, Part 1.

When MO2 and I met in 1997, there was no hurry for us to have children. We were both in the military, we were both in a third world nation, there was no rush. MO2 was happy with my dear stepson (DSS) who was 5 at the time.

Then in 2003, America invaded Iraq. I was lucky enough to be in one of the first American units on US soil. War changes you and it changes your priorities. At that point, Iraq wasn’t horrifically dangerous (mostly because the Iraqis were organizing and trying to deal with the realization of a post Hussein government). However, it was painful for soldiers because initially we didn’t have food and bathrooms (you know the luxury items). We waited in 2 hour lines for a weekly shower. Anyway, I came home and we decided trying to start a family.

I have to admit I was shocked when I wasn’t immediately pregnant because my Mom said if you have unprotected sex, you get pregnant (a point driven home on a weekly basis after age 5). Seriously, one of my first chapter books was, “Margaret Sanger, Pioneer Birth Control”-which I was given at age 7. No one in my family had difficulties getting pregnant. I didn’t think too much about it. We procreated without looking at the science of conception (e.g. randomly and NOT according to Toni Weschler). MO2 was involved in nursing school and busy with his studies. 2 years slipped by and then 3. I found myself in Iraq again (this time more dangerous although the creature comforts were much better). I think seeing people get blown up and die around me pushed me into conception with renewed vigor. I bought via Amazon, Taking Charge of your Fertility, which I read throughout the deployment all while trying to analyse my cervical mucus and chart my cycles in a war zone. BLUF, I returned home once again and was still not pregnant. Undeterred, I tried to get an GYN appointment at Ft. Mountainous only to find out that I was in line with all the women pregnant with deployment babies. With some intervention, (it’s who you know and what their rank is), I was able to finally get a fertility appointment only AFTER MO2 was headed for his own deployment to Iraq.

Initial tests indicated decent FSH for a 38 year old, clear tubes. MO2 left behind a “little donation” before he boarded the big jet plane to Baghdad. I finally get referred to nice RE who I clicked with because we both went to elite schools that have a rivalry. All indication are a “go” that I shouldn’t have a problem getting pregnant with or without MO2 (have vial-will inseminate) or so we thought. Initial RE  then discovers fibroids. “No problem” he says, “we’ll remove them” So 1 month after I have back surgery, I have fibroids removed (7 I think). I go home the same night with roommate from Iraq who is a nurse and can probably provide better post op care than the hospital.

Two months later, I have my 1st IVF. I will stop and add that the military does NOT cover IVF and I paid for everything out of pocket (about 10 grand). Initial RE has all going well until they look at my eggs, which according to my doctor are, “grainy.” They get 10 egglets, only one fertilizes. My initial egglet was a two celler. Knowing what I know now, they probably only transferred it because they wanted to make me feel better. Naturally, the beta is a whopping BFN although I did get a + pregnancy test on a Clear Blue Easy Digital test about 5 days after my negative beta which I am convinced was one of the few false positives ever recordedby the Clear Blue Easy Digital people despite what they say on their web site (prooving never clear or easy)!

Initial RE starts talking donor eggs. He refers me to DE coordinator. I’ve never met a more negative, bitchy health care provider and I am one so I feel comptent to jusge. She tells me that DE will run me $25,000.00. Lovely friend from Iraq is sympathetic and offers me her eggs but DE coordinator starts babbling about the therapy we will all have to go through, the lawyers fees, the sperm. Lots and lots of work and expense and then they offer to schedule me for DE  in the next few months! I can’t commit to that and won’t ask dear friend to commit to that and so I put the experience away and get a second opinion. To Be Continued…